The Great Ham Hunt of 2015

Hooman told me that ham had been spotted down by the river, and he was just giving me a heads up in case some other furocious monster managed to get to it before I did, so I left immediately.

Ham hunts are not to be taken lightly. There is great preparation, planning, and meowing to take place first. Once all the important stuff is done, we can head off to where the ham was last spotted down at the weir, (or so hooman says)…

And so the great ham hunt begins…

Hooman has mentioned Hamfish many times. I wonder if that was what he was referring to. After much staring at the water, I saw no sign of this mythical bacon-beast.

As much as I hate water, would I leap in for a bit of hamfish? 

The Wally came with me, but as his hunting prowess is on a par with a kitchen sideboard, I utilised him in a tactical capacity to watch my back. You never know when a band of marauding sheep will sneak up and ambush.

The Wally on guard

When hunting ham, you have to search in every nook, and cranny, as ham is quite sneaky, apparently, (I only assume this as I have yet to see one). After looking at the river for a bit I decided to head to the bank and check the root system. There are lots of little holes where the wildebeest, and crocodiles live, so maybe a ham lives down there too?

I told hooman I checked the roots, and he said I only have a few white hairs

Up on top of the river bank, on the edge of the field, I caught a scent… I followed it for about 50 metres along the top, amongst the gnarly, and twisted roots, through some bushes and it led me out at the…

On the scent

…river. Damnit. Maybe hams are amphibious, and one is leading me on a wild goose chase? I shall have to get hooman to buy me the Encyclopaedia Cattanica so I can check up on such important information.

The scent ends here

Time to change tack… I have seen several holes in trees, and I just assume that the pterodactyls live in them. Maybe the hams live in there? I checked the small hole in this tree, but it only had a spider in there called Jeremy. He was no help at all.

Jeremy just swore at me!

Onward and inward, hooman always says, so I carried on my search. I stayed in the trees as my river teach had proved unsuccessful, and maybe we will have better luck. A description of a hagfish would be most useful. Does it have wings, fins, claws, or tentacles? I do not know.

After a winged, tentacled, spiny hamfish in the trees

I have discovered that unlike those kindly Ents from Lord of the Rings, the trees near me are either stupid, ignorant, or deaf. After asking this nice looking tree several probing questions on the subject of ham, it did nothing.


Worst Ent ever

After getting very little from the trees, I tried the trail… It was alongside the river, and amongst the trees, so hedging my bets might pay off?

The lonely life of a ham hunter

It did not pay off. Not one bit! I never even saw a butterfly to munch. At this rate I’ll have to eat that dry cat food that hooman leaves out for me. Things were not looking good. At this point, mere hours after last having some munchables, I may starve to death. I’d chew on The Wally, but he’s down in that bush losing an argument with a stick.

Watching The Wally fight a terrifying stick

And so my enthusiasm is waning. My tummy is only 2/3rds full from my morning feed, and I am at a quandary. Do I continue my hunt for the ham, or do I


I heard a noise… Going to investigate…

I heard a thing

It definitely came from either this very branch, or somewhere completely different.

Balancing skills at max

Bah! Foiled at every turn! This pesky ham has gotten the better of me today! A last peruse on the bank, and I am done for the day. I shall be forced to go home, empty handed, and meow endlessly at the hooman until he gives me some ham, or part of his sandwich.

The root of the problem is that I have no ham

And so we end our trip where it began. At the weir. Look at my sad little dejected face. No ham, no edibles of any description, and I am forced to stare and meow to sate my terrible hunger.

It is shameful for any cat.

Cue sad music



10 thoughts on “The Great Ham Hunt of 2015

  1. Awwww,Gee Whizz, Numps! No Ham for you! Perhaps it really isn’t Ham Season? Maybe Hams hibernate? You may also need a Ham Hunting Permit. I’d hate to see you go to cat jail on illegal ham hunting charges. Better Luck next time!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. numps…..well, frum wear we sit we canna see a white root on ya t’all !!

    N trust uz on thiz one…..ya due knot wanna eat a hagfish….be jezuz if they iz knot enufff like a bass terd snake ta bee a second cuzin…..

    faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ~~~~~~


    oopz….happee mewsic

    try thiz

    happee week a head two ewe wally & dad ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

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