Numps’ very professional guide to hunting on safari

Hooman was furious with me. He said, in quite plain language, containing expletives, that I was to contribute more to the household as I simply sit there meowing and stealing all his ham and cheese. In order to rectify this we had to go on a hunting expedition to catch Buffalo, sheep, beef burgers, and possibly sausages.

Safari tip #1

When on safari, it is always mostest important to remain hidden. Being a cat this comes as naturally as breathing, and waking people up in the early hours of the morning. Staying hidden means that edibles such as crocodiles and moths cannot see you about to ambush them.


Safari tip #2

By far the best way to render your edible immobile is to leap down from a very great height in order to both stun them, as well as to make you seem even extra furocious. For even greater effect make a a sound that they will always associate with a vicious killer, such as a ‘meow’, a ‘RAWR!’, or a ‘meep!’

Pouncing upon edibles from a great height gives you a huge advantage, especially if they are of a nervous disposition

Safari tip #3

The hardest part of safari is when you have to move in order to track, or find better hunting grounds, (like walking to the butchers, or something). I find the best way is to disguise yourself as something else when on the move. In this case you can hardly discern myself amongst the grass due to my upright tail, which makes me appear to be just a blade of grass waving in the wind.

When moving, try to disguise yourself

Safari tip #4

In order to gauge where the best flocks of sausages, or crocodiles can be found, you need a vantage point to survey the surroundings. I find stumps are best for this as they tend to be quite flat, and far comfier on my little furry tush that a twiggy branch may be. I call them ‘Numps Stumps’.

Always go for comfort, as you never know how long your survey/snooze may be

Safari tip #5

Treading carefully cannot be overestimated. I once trod on a thorn, and it really hurt.

Always tread carefully, because there may well be a roving gang of earthworms behind every corner

Safari tip #6

The Wally is black, like I am. You would think that he would have some of the same predatorily skills I do. He does not. Using the buddy system can have its uses, however. Should we stumble into a vicious pack of moths armed to the teeth with toothpicks or small knives, I only have to run faster than he in order to escape, leaving me free to plot my revenge.

Always buddy up if possible. It gives your enemies another target whilst you escape

Safari Tip #7

Be aware of your surroundings. Hooman has warned me before about the hidden dangers of the forest. Always give everything you encounter a good examine in case it is an Ent, so you don’t scratch it on purpose. I think hooman would be very impressed if I dragged an Ent through the catalpa, although I’m not sure it will be classified as an edible as it is made of wood.

Always examine your surroundings. This, for example, could be a fabled Ent, which is very dangerous indeed

Safari tip #8

When on the prowl try to stay hidden. Although you can’t see me in this picture, it is because I am very well hidden behind some twigs and dead grass, and as I am cat that makes me invisible.

Spot the cat competition

Safari tip #9

Always be shiny. Like fish in a shoal, it can dazzle and confuse your foe. By doing a normal panfur walk, you can hypnotise trees, twigs, snails, and things, so that they do not run away from you at great speed. This gives you a chance to bat them about a bit with your paws, and give them a little gnaw.

Use the light to dazzle your enemies

Safari tip #10

When nearing the end of your hunting trip, ensure your fellow hunters are all accounted for, and they haven’t been dragged off into a bush, or into a tree by some sheep, or a hippo. This is particularly important if accompanied by a dog and a hooman, as they are abysmal in the wilderness…

Where is The Wally?
Oh, there he is… keeping a low profile as usual

So there you have it. Take it in. let yourself absorb the vital information in this guide. Unfortunately I caught nothing on this trip except a web on my ear.

I may have to raid the fridge and pretend I caught a block of cheese or something.

Until next time!


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